don't go to college.
don't expect people to help you if you make the mistake of going.
don't listen to people when they say they want to do what God wants if they insist that God will be doing it their way.
don't trust humans. they do not tell truths.
and no matter what you do, never believe every word i say.


this a little hissy fit i want to have over yet another boulder on the mountain of disappointments that has been my college career. i might still believe that God sent me here for a reason. i no longer pretend to know what that reason is. there is this feeling in my chest like some sort of weed that's just burrowing. digging in really deep to feed itself on whatever good it can find. the weed is bitterness. it's hate. it's rage at the foolish things i've done, the foolish things others have done, and the countless times i've been let down by people who pretend to be authorities. they wear the costumes and the titles, but their lines are all wrong, and their delivery is poor.

i'm supposedly training to be a high school youth minister, something i was better at three years ago, before someone tried to teach me in a classroom how to do it. God seems to fall right out of the picture once you stick him into the classroom programs they're trying to get me to swallow. I have an internship coming up. A youth minister who's been in the field for a while called me because she said God had been putting me on her heart. She wants me to do my internship with her because she keeps praying about it and i keep coming up. i was thrilled. she's the only authority figure who's really been able to teach me, and able to learn with me in this realm since i started college.

i spoke with my advisor. he flatly told me that he would be choosing where students go based on their gifts and abilities, and what he feels is the best match. he then said that potential sites should be going through him, and not through students to find their interns.


you know, because God only speaks to college advisors.




i wish more than anything that someone would just change the channel. i wish i could make this version of my life go away, and one where God's voice was clear in every ear would come up. that day is coming, but it's not here now. now's the time to deal with being young, being told you are to be looked down on by those who claim to believe a God who says otherwise.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." 1Timothy 4:12

well, i know what my calling is. the matter now is whether someone else is going to stand in the way again, and if they are, how are they going to fall?